It has been a month since I lost my eyesight. The struggle was very challenging for me that I almost felt like living life was out of option. The whole new experience of being blind is making my life miserable, and now I am dealing with lots of anger, anxiety, and depression. As much as I want to stay positive, things around me seemed so frustrating, heartbreaking, and unbearable as days go by.
How It All Began
It all started a few months ago where I had this eye infection due to my contact lenses. I never really thought that I could suffer from eye damage because I always clean and store my contact lenses properly. Ever since I was in high school, I always love to change the colors of my eyes because it makes me feel pretty. I somehow get the confidence from wearing a pair of contact lenses every day. And for someone like me who had a lot of knowledge in terms of eye safety and precautions, I never imagined getting an infection.
But the unexpected thing still happened. It was not that I didn’t notice anything at all. The last time I wore my contact lenses before I could even get an infection, the outer part of my eye was a bit itchy. Since I am used to that feeling, I thought it is okay since it sometimes happens, especially when I get exposed to windy situations and some particles could enter my eyes. I was able to manage it. But a few days after that, an itchy thing was going on; my eyes began to turn red. Again, as I have said, it was typically common to happen, especially when I was overusing my contact lenses.
Another day went by, and I somehow find it hard to open my eyes. There’s just a lot of fluid coming out of it, and it got me terribly worried. It was the first time something was coming out from the eyes, and I was unsure what those were. So to address that worried feelings I have, I went to see an eye specialist and got my I checked. The moment the doctor told me about my condition, I paused for a while and reflected on the days that I didn’t immediately seek help.
The eye specialist told me that my eye condition is so severe that treating it at that moment was not an option anymore. The doctor said I was dealing with a corneal ulcer. That condition is why I wasn’t able to open my eyes, why it turned out red, and why it was so sensitive to light. Hearing all those negative things made me heartbroken, and the fact that the doctor told me that it was already too late made me lose all my senses.
But it was not the condition that made me mentally unstable but the doctor’s decision. He said that the only way I could get rid of the pain is to remove the pair of my eyes because the damage already penetrated all over the eyeballs, and it is not much that any doctors can do to salvage my eyesight. I felt so devastated that I panicked and burst into tears despite suffering from eye pain. I was so hopeless and regretful. But I still ended up choosing to remove my eyes so it won’t create further health damages.
When I was dealing with an infection in my eye, I was still hopeful that I could make it and recover. I was trying so damn hard to stay positive despite losing my eyesight. I always tried and convinced myself not to feel bad about everything and that things will be okay somehow. I even told myself that despite being blind, I still have other senses that I can use. But who am I kidding? Living life with vision loss is so difficult that it made me rely on other people. With this condition, I can’t be alone, and I can’t do things on my own. I feel so helpless and dependent on the people around me. The hardest part is when I get so frustrated and overthink what could happen to me when these people surrounding me got fed up taking care of me.
Vision impairment is worse than any trauma I experienced in my life. I regarded it as a dead-end of my capabilities. It made me hate myself more. It made me regret all the things I do with my eyes. So for those of you out there, who think that you are used to doing something great, do not ever think that you can secure everything. Uncertainties can follow you around, and if bad luck hits, you might endure irreversible damage.